While you undoubtedly learned many useful things
in school, how to create a happy marital
relationship probably wasn't included. Most
spouses learn about marriage through the
proverbial "School of Hard Knocks."
As a student, you undergo drills to help you
learn your multiplication tables, you're tested
on your mastery of geography and science, and you
memorize spelling words. As you progress, you
learn to write term papers and to analyze
But you were probably not taught one of the most
important skills you could learn: how to create,
nurture, and sustain a healthy, satisfying
relationship with good communication and
intimacy. And, sad to say, some people never
learn this skill even after multiple marriages.
There are many misconceptions about marriage and
the impact of two individuals saying "I do." Much
emphasis is devoted to planning the perfect
wedding-more than is usually devoted to becoming
the best partner possible. Often, the marriage is
regarded as something that will fall into place
with minimum effort after the ceremony.
Which of the following ten points about marriage
were you surprised to learn after you said "I
do"?
1. Creating a healthy, happy marriage takes hard
work.It doesn't just happen on its own.
Numerous spouses are surprised by the amount of
work it takes to keep a marriage on course. Some
believe that if you really love someone, the
relationship shouldn't be work, it should just
flow easily. That sounds good, but in reality all
meaningful relationships require an on-going
investment of time, effort, energy, and
commitment.
2. You don't get to coast for very long. It seems
that when things are going well, you should get
to "take a break" from the relationship stuff for
awhile.
But if you're not growing and evolving as
individuals and as a couple, then your
relationship is soon going to suffer. There's no
such thing as standing still and having
everything stay the same. You're either going
forwards or you're going backwards.
3. Saying "I do" is not the end-it's the
beginning. Some spouses feel that once they are
married, they don't have to extend as much effort
into being romantic or nurturing the
relationship.
But a marital relationship isn't the end of the
road. It's only the beginning of your opportunity
to "grow your marriage" and create a rewarding
relationship with your partner.
4. You're not going to change your partner after
you marry. No matter how many times this
statement is written or verbalized, there are
many individuals who still believe that their
case will be different.
Motivation to change is normally the highest
before marriage when both partners want to please
each other. After marriage, it's easier to become
comfortable and lose motivation to work on
self-growth.
Females are especially susceptible to this
dynamic. Because they often are hooked by the
potential that they see in their partner, they're
convinced that they can change him. This usually
leads to a rude awakening after marriage.
5. You can't give what you don't already have.
You have to be happy and at peace with yourself
before you can create a happy, peaceful,
harmonious marriage.
Marriage won't make you happy. Only you can do
that. If you're not happy with yourself and your
life when you get married, nothing will change
significantly afterwards.
6. Frequent emotional housekeeping is required
for intimacy to thrive. It doesn't take long for
a marriage to develop serious problems when
emotional debris from unresolved conflicts and
issues piles up.
This is why good communication is important.
Couples who can't talk about their differences
and resolve conflict are at high risk for
divorce. Feelings of passion, emotional intimacy,
and heartfelt connection are all dependent on
good communication.
7. The words you say are important, so pick them
carefully. You can't expect the spouse you called
a "witch" or "fool" at 8:00 p.m. to be thrilled
at the thought of sex with you at 9:00 p.m.
By the words you use in your interactions with
your partner, you impact how your spouse feels
about you. Harsh, unkind words fuel anger,
resentment, and bitterness. Kind words build
rapport, respect, and caring.
The words you use to yourself and others when
talking about your spouse and your marriage are
also important. When you devalue someone or
something verbally, it affects your feelings and
perceptions. Negativity spreads like a virus.
8. Just because you dislike your partner
intensely at the moment doesn't mean that you
don't love him or her. It's normal to have mixed
feelings toward your spouse at times.
Sometimes your inner two-year-old will appear in
your reactions-you know, the one who could stomp
his feet and scream "I hate you, Mommy!" when he
didn't get his own way. There are times when
spouses can't stand each other and the feelings
of closeness and connection lessen. But that
doesn't mean that the marriage is over or that
the love is permanently gone.
9. Success in marriage, as in life, is an inside
job. The breakthroughs happen when you take
responsibility for your actions and attitudes and
focus on what changes you can make to improve the
relationship.
It's important to learn how to stay centered and
balanced emotionally as much as possible, and
that requires inner work on yourself. Learning to
be more self-aware will help you better
understand your part in creating the present
situation.
10. There's no end to growth. There's always
something else to experience and learn. You can
always improve your relationship skills and grow
more as a person.
Unlike school where you eventually get a diploma
if you meet the requirements, you never
"graduate" from relationship school. Just when
you think you've learned to keep your equilibrium
in your relationship, something is sure to throw
you off balance as if to test you.
And in the areas where you resist growth, you'll
find yourself endlessly repeating unproductive
patterns. Then you have a choice-to stay stuck or
keep.
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