It would be great if every new relationship started with neither of you having any baggage from previous relationships. But if you’re over the age of 25, that’s probably not going to happen no matter how strict the woman’s parents have been about her dating life. Everyone, including you, has a past.
If your date or girlfriend still lives in the same general area as her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, then the chances are pretty fair that at one time or another you’re going to run into him. So how should you react when you run into her ex? Your best bet is to take your cues from her.
If she spots her ex when you’re out in public and then seems upset or aggravated, saying something like, “Damn, there’s my ex,” ask her if she would prefer to leave. There’s no reason to ruin your evening if she’s going to be focusing on what her ex is doing rather than paying attention to you. If she doesn’t want to go, then at least casually switch seats with her so that he’s not constantly in her line of sight. Then turn on the charm (crack some jokes and change the mood to be more light-hearted and relaxed) so that she is reminded of how happy she is with you.
While it would be helpful if you knew why she seems upset in his presence, don’t push for it if she’s not forthcoming with the details, especially if this is the early part of your relationship. But, if you’ve been dating a while, it might be useful to know about their history, especially if she’s so irritated at the mere sight of him.
So, if she doesn’t volunteer to say anything to you about him, casually ask her why she reacted with “Damn, there’s my ex,” and give her a couple of minutes to get it off her chest (but not so long that she gets worked up in the wrong way). By listening to what she is saying and noticing any changes in her behavior, you’ll get a good indication of how she feels about her ex.
The worst thing you can do is begin to get jealous about her ex. If she says she is over him and is glad they broke up, believe her and say, “I’m glad you broke up too; otherwise we wouldn’t have met.” A response by that will demonstrate your emotional maturity and she will begin to shut down her ex in her mind.
On the other hand, if she spots her ex and says, “Oh, hey, look, there’s my ex,” and then smiles and waves at him, chances are he’s going to come over to say hello. After they greet each other, stand, hold out your hand and if she hasn’t already done so, introduce yourself.
Unless you detect some underlying tension (sexual or otherwise), there is no reason for you to freak out that they are still on good terms. Act cool – not aloof – and feel confident, relaxed and in control of the situation. Chances are, he will leave after a short while and you can then get back to your date. But if she’s constantly scanning the room for him or staring over in his direction, there may be something else going on. She just might not be over him yet, or they may have been staying in contact all this time via Facebook, text or otherwise.
If you have reason to suspect that they are still ‘on’, you can either choose to have the “So what’s the story with you and your ex?” conversation or you can decide to end the date, cut your losses and move on to your next conquest.
On the other hand, it could be something as simple as: He is with mutual friends (friends that they both know) and she really wants to say hello to all of them, but doesn’t know how you’ll feel about it. If that’s the situation, encourage her to go and say hi. Walk over with her to say hello. Be gracious, confident (relaxed confidence) and friendly. Let her/their friends see how lucky she is to have found a cool, confident guy like you.
Running into her ex only becomes an issue if you allow it to. Remember, there is a reason that their relationship is over and none of the reasons have anything to do with you. Therefore, you shouldn’t feel threatened by his simple existence.
Yes, running into her ex may trigger your “fight or flight” impulse, but unless you have a reason to think otherwise, her ex may have no more romantic emotional significance to her than anyone else from her present or past that you happen to bump into. Really, a lot of the time – running into an ex can trigger a negative emotional reaction and remind a woman of how much she doesn’t want to be with him.
Just as there is a reason that they broke up, there’s a reason that she’s with you. She likes you and she wants you to be the part of her present and possibly future. So be the charming, confident dude that she agreed to date in the first place. If you do this, when you run into her ex, he will remain exactly where he should – in her past – and you will solidify your place in her future._______________________________________________________
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