*** QUESTION ***
Hi Jeffy,
I hope I win some sort of prize if I'm the first person to email
you with a question. Maybe I should get a prize anyway for
It may sound strange, but one thing that seriously holds me back
from really giving it 110% with a girl is that I don't know how
to get RID of them once I attract them.
Not that I'm anywhere near good at attracting women on a regular,
consistent basis, but whenever I DO attract a woman, it seems like
she will be SO into me that I feel really bad/guilty about dumping
her if I decide I don't like her.
Girls are always talking about how men hurt them, and they seem
to get really hurt by me if I don't like them/dump them, so I'm
always thinking, "Am I REALLY SURE that I'm going to end up
liking this girl."
A lot of times I don't go through with it, because although I wouldn't
mind sleeping with the girl and even having a (non-committed)
relationship with her, I know that the relationship is not going to
last and she's going to get hurt.
Also, as you can imagine, I don't have any one night stands/
casual sex, which I'd like to, except that I think that after
she sleeps with me, she's going to fall in love with me, and get
hurt.
Partly it might be because I'm naturally a gentle, caring,
romantic sort of guy. Not a push-over or "wussy-man," just
genuinely concerned about other people's feelings. And I'd
like to be able to be that kind of guy, but still not have to
be committed to just one girl and that sort of thing.
Any advice?
Thanks,
BB
>>>>>> MY REPLY:
Yes, BB, you shall receive a prize. You shall receive the
knowledge required to defeat Johnny in the climactic showdown as
you perform the crane kick maneuver.
Right. So, this is an interesting question. If I'm reading this
correctly, you're having trouble picking up girls because you
feel that after you pick them up, they'll fall in love with you
and it will hurt their feelings when you leave them?
Humble much?
Seriously, though, you're probably an awesome guy and everything,
but take into consideration the fact that women are typically
much more reasonable than guys when it comes to assigning value
to relationships.
Let me give you an example: guy meets girl, they hit it off and
he gets her phone number. The guy walks away thinking, "Wow, her
and I really have this great relationship! I can't wait to see
her again!" And he thinks about her several times a day.
Meanwhile, to the chick, it's just another guy she gave her number
to, who she probably doesn't think about AT ALL unless he calls
her up.
See, chicks are perpetually validated, so they are more realistic
about who they form connections with. They extremely socially saavy,
in fact I'd say that the biggest, most socially retarded chick
is more socially saavy than the average guy.
They don't put unrealistic importance on relations until AFTER sex,
at which point they then backwards rationalize things to
justify the fact that they did it.
A lot of this whole banter you hear from the girls about "being
hurt by guys" is just BS designed to place shrouds around
the truth: GIRLS WANT A GUY WHO WILL HAVE SEX WITH THEM AND
THEN LEAVE THEM.
See, if you ask a girl if she wants a guy who is good with all
women, she will say no. Yet she emotionally responds to this
kind of guy. It's a cycle... the guy's skill gives him options,
which makes him non-needy, which sub communicates all the right
things.
The "nice guy" keeps her amused and listens to all her problems
and just generally acts as her emotional tampon.
And after their romantic star-gazing date, she goes over to the
player's house and gets the money shot all over her face.
Do you wanna be some girl's fan club president? There are
probably five more of them waiting in the wings.
So, a lot of what you hear from the girls on this subject is
smoke and mirrors. Realizing that, however, doesn't mean that
you should abandon all concern for people's feelings.
In fact, a certain level of concern is *required* if you want to
be successful in the game. Karma's a bitch, and you don't want
to go around emotionally teeing off on chicks left and right.
So how do you handle it? It's a process we like to call
"managing expectations".
What this means is being very up-front about who you are and what
you do. She should know from the get-go that you're not looking
for a long term relationship, that you are just looking to have
a good time and see where things go from there.
In other words, if you're pretending that there's gonna be a
wedding in the chick's future if she sleeps with you, you're
practically ENSURING the kinds of negative reactions you
wrote about.
Now, let me clarify something here. This doesn't mean you have
to make some profound "announcement" to the girl... "I need to
tell you something. I am a player. I want sex and nothing more."
I mean, not only is that really LAME, you're almost BEGGING to
get blown out there.
It's something you want to SHOW, not TELL.
You show it through your stories. You show it through the way you
interact with other girls while she's around. You show it
through the way you move, the way you speak. It oozes from your
being.
It's all about becoming congruent with being a player. When I
first got into the game, I felt exactly the same way you do. I
was afraid to hurt the girls. But after I had a few meaningless
yet very fun relationships, I realized that nobody really gets
hurt as long as the expectations are managed correctly. Then it
got easier.
It's like being a contract killer... they say that the first one
is always the hardest.
You just need to jump in there. Over time, you'll become more
adept at the art of managing expectations,
And who knows? That girl that you thought was a one-night-stand
might turn out to be really cool, at which point it can
grow into something more. See, it works both ways.
Something to think about. Take it easy.
_______________________________________________________
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