Many people have grown up with misconceptions of
what it takes to make a marriage work. The
following five incorrect beliefs can damage your
marriage.
Myth 1: Your spouse should automatically know
This is a prevalent myth among many spouses who
believe that if a partner really loves them, the
partner should instinctively and intuitively know
what their needs and wants are. And, of course,
that the partner should take immediate action to
satisfy them. Hurt feelings and anger accumulates
when the partner doesn't figure out without being
told what is expected of him (of her).
The following series of boxes give examples of
myths in a marriage.
Traci was really tired when she finally got home
late from a long day in the office. She was
looking forward to spending some time with her
husband Alex to get some sympathy, cuddling, and
nurturing-and perhaps a back rub or a foot
massage to Alex, on the other hand, was clueless
about Traci's expectations and after greeting
her, went back to watching a football game on TV.
Alex didn't realize there was a problem. He
thought that he was being helpful by giving Traci
time and space to wind down after a long day.
Traci found herself fuming as the rest of the
evening progressed but she didn't say anything
because she didn't want Alex to spend time with
her if he didn't really want to. In her mind,
whatever efforts he might make to nurture her
wouldn't count if he didn't think of it himself.
Healthier Approach: Share your needs and wants
directly with your spouse. Don't make her (or
him) second guess you or try to read your mind.
Practice speaking up and saying "I've had a
grueling day and really need a back rub. Could
you give me one?"
Myth 2: If your spouse would change his (or her)
behavior, you'd be happy and you could have a
happy marriage.
This premise of this myth is that a spouse has to
change before the partner can be happy and enjoy
a happy marriage. It sounds simple enough. When
the other person gets it together to become
healthier and to change, then the marriage will
improve by leaps and bounds.
In the meantime, the partner can only wait and
hope that one day the spouse will "see the
light." This, of course, puts the partner in the
role of helpless victim whose very happiness
depends on what the spouse decides to do. His (or
her) present and future happiness is in the hands
of the spouse.
Buying into this myth lets the partner off the
hot seat so that he (or she) doesn't have to
actually do anything except blame the spouse and
wait to see if she changes. It's a passive role
that lets the partner sit back and avoid the
challenge of working on himself (or herself).
Alex was getting irritated with Traci coming home
late every evening from work. She said that she
had to get a big project done, but Alex couldn't
help thinking that she could leave earlier if she
really wanted to.
They used to meet at the gym after work to work
out together, but now Alex found himself working
out alone with increasing anger. He started
blaming Traci for his unhappiness and for the
stress her overtime at work was putting on the
marriage. "If she would just come home on time,
we could be happy again," he thought.
Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to being
happy whether or not your spouse ever changes.
After all, you can't give what you don't have
inside, so if you're not happy yourself, you
can't create a happy marriage. Work on changing
yourself to be the kind of partner you wish you
had.
Myth 3: You should always put your spouse's needs
first to be a good partner.
The word "should" is often a red flag that
indicates problems ahead. Who said that you
"should" always put your partner's needs first?
Someone who told you that you'd be considered
selfish if you didn't? Someone who wanted you to
feel guilty if you didn't accept their viewpoint?
In reality, it's not healthy to always put other
people's needs before your own-no matter who the
other person is. Doing so indicates a lack of
respect for yourself, your time, your needs, and
your goals.
You can value your own needs without being
selfish or overbearing. Many times spouses can
find a creative way to meet the needs of both of
them if they spend some time brainstorming and
problem-solving. But that won't happen if one
spouse automatically devalues her (or his) needs
and goes along with whatever the partner
proposes.
Traci always let Alex play golf with his friends
on Saturdays while she stayed with their
one-year-old daughter. Even though there were
things she'd been wanting to do for months in
what little free time she had, she always thought
she was doing the right thing to suppress her own
needs in favor of letting Alex enjoy himself.
Finally, after months of denying herself, she
finally had enough. She blew up at Alex at a
seemingly insignificant provocation. She accused
him of being selfish in always playing golf while
she stayed at home. Alex was baffled. Traci had
never hinted that there was a problem.
Healthier Approach: Show respect for yourself by
valuing yourself and your needs and preferences.
Become more aware of when you treat your
partner's needs as more important than your own.
Marriage is about compromise and both people
getting their needs met at least part of the
time. If you don't value yourself, others won't,
either.
Myth 4: Your spouse should always contribute 50%
to the marriage.
It sounds good in theory, but in reality marriage
hardly ever turns out to be as neatly divided as
this myth implies. Over time, there should be
some balance of sorts, but the effort and time
expended by each partner may never be completely
equal.
There are many times when one spouse or the other
carries most of the load or makes most of the
effort in a marriage. Perhaps one spouse works
out of town during the week or is clinically
depressed. A spouse may be chronically ill, in
physical pain, or busy pursuing a college degree.
Or one spouse may handle the majority of the
child care.
In these cases, the spouse who is keeping the
marriage going may be contributing 80% to the
marriage while the partner weighs in at only 20%.
In time, the balance may shift in other ways to
even out the load more, or the partners may
exchange places. Instead of trying to keep
everything equal on a daily basis, look at the
overview and focus on the bigger picture.
Traci felt guilty when she decided to take
college classes two nights a week after work. She
knew that this meant Alex had to carry a heavier
load of chores, housework, and errands while she
studied and attended classes. While Alex was
supportive and didn't complain, Traci knew that
he was giving more of himself to keep the
marriage going than she was.
Five years later, Alex decided he wanted to
change jobs and accept a more challenging,
better-paying position that required him to
travel during the week. All of a sudden, Traci
found herself giving much more time and energy
than Alex to keeping the marital relationship
going. She remembered Alex's support of her when
she was pursuing her college degree and was glad
to be able to give to him in return.
Healthier Approach: Think in terms of giving a
100% effort to your marriage when needed. If both
you and your spouse are each giving 100%, then
you'll be in a positive place to handle the extra
stress that problems and unforeseen challenges
can bring.
Myth 5: Your goal is to have a peaceful marriage
with as few disagreements as possible.
Over the years, I have heard many couples brag
that they never fight and hardly ever argue. When
this happens, I know that most likely one spouse
or the other has been trying to keep accumulated
anger, frustration, and resentment in an
emotional "closet" with the door shut. This only
works for so long and then the closet door bursts
open and all the heightened emotions spill out to
contaminate the marital relationship.
The goal is not to have a marriage with no
arguments or disagreements. The goal is to find a
way to disagree without being disagreeable or
disrespectful to each other. When anger and
resentments are buried in a relationship, the
passion is also snuffed out in the emotional
debris.
Some lukewarm marriages could benefit from more
open disagreements, heated arguments, and
strongly stated viewpoints and opinions. At least
then the partners would be both engaged in the
relationship instead of letting it silently die
off.
Alex had been brought up in a family that avoided
confrontations. He decided early on in his
marriage to Traci that he didn't want a marriage
filled with conflict and arguments. When Traci
felt strongly about something, Alex would
generally just go along with her to keep the
peace, even if he didn't really want to.
He hesitated to rock the boat by disagreeing and
almost always hid his true feelings from Traci.
Their friends all remarked about how well Alex
and Traci always got along, and Alex and Traci
enjoyed telling others that they never argued or
disagreed. The marriage was calm and peaceful,
but the passion gradually faded away and left a
feeling of blandness and emptiness behind.
Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to express
your real opinions, needs, and preferences to
your spouse. If you are afraid of your spouse's
anger, schedule a counseling session to discuss
your concerns with a therapist present to
mediate. You may need to develop a set of "fair
fighting rules" with the help of the counselor in
order to feel safe in speaking up at home.
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