Improving your marriage doesn't necessarily have
to involve huge changes on your part or your
spouse's. Many times, the cumulative effect of
small changes can make a significant difference
in the quality of a relationship.
It can be discouraging to only focus on the big,
sweeping long-range changes that you feel are
needed, such as improved communication or
increased intimacy. Instead, focus on making
several small changes that can affect the quality
Once you generate some positive energy flow,
it'll be easier to tackle the larger issues.
Plus, you'll be more motivated to put forth the
effort and to keep trying.
Here are seven easy ways you can improve your
marriage:
1. Schedule date nights on a regular basis. Did
you know research by Idaho State University shows
that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is
scheduling regular dates?
This study involving 132 couples found those who
went on dates more often (the average was six
dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied
with their marriage than those who spent less
time together.
So get out your calendar and schedule some times
for you and your spouse to go out and spend time
together doing something you both enjoy.
You might have dinner in a restaurant, go
dancing, see a movie or play, or listen to live
music. The important thing is you're spending
time together and having fun.
If you have children and have been neglecting
this part of your relationship for a long time
because you don't want to leave the kids with a
babysitter, there's probably something else going
on underneath the convenient "reason."
Doing everything with the children and not
spending time alone with your spouse can be a way
to try to avoid sex or to minimize romance. It's
a mistake to think this won't hurt your marriage
in the long run-because it will.
2. Show respect when you're talking to your
spouse. You may not realize you're doing damage
to your marriage when your spouse is talking to
you and you sigh with exasperation and roll your
eyes.
Psychologist John Gottman has conducted research
on what attitudes increase the chances that a
marriage will end unhappily. He has found
contempt is the most damaging, and he says
rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to
you is a classic sign that communicates contempt.
The actual words used in interactions between a
couple are only part of what is being
communicated. The non-verbal component is also
communicating loudly. So you're giving your
partner important information about how you
really feel about him (or her) when you show
disrespect.
Start becoming more aware of your behavior when
your spouse is talking to you. You might ask your
spouse if she (or he) feels disrespected during
conversations and interactions with you. But
don't ask for honest feedback unless you're
prepared to receive it without getting defensive.
The goal is to become more self-aware and improve
your relationship with your partner.
3. Take the television out of the bedroom. You
may be surprised at the research findings
involving late-night TV.
A survey by Italian psychologist Serenella
Salomoni found that among couples over the age of
fifty, those who kept TV out of the bedroom had
sex an average of seven times a month compared
with 1.5 times a month for couples with TV's. The
implication is that late-night TV can translate
into a lot less sex for many couples.
It's easy to see how this could happen over time
without a couple even stopping to think about the
long-term effects on their sex life and intimacy.
Watching television becomes a habit and the path
of least resistance.
If removing the television from your bedroom
sounds too drastic, at least consider initiating
a conversation with your spouse about these
findings and whether your marriage might benefit
from less TV watching in the evenings.
4. Make time for vacations. The Wisconsin Medical
Journal reported that
women were asked how often they took a vacation,
20% said that it had been six years or more.
These non-vacationers were more likely to be
stressed and unhappy in their marriages.
Every day life can get so bogged down with
details, work, and loose ends that fun and
romance can easily become buried and neglected.
Remember the old saying, "All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy."
The same is certainly true of relationships-if
there's no time to play and have fun, then
dullness, fatigue, and boredom often take hold.
Passion and romance thrive on stimulation,
building positive new memories, and the
excitement that change brings.
Just leaving home and seeing and doing different
things can be energizing and perk up a stale
relationship. The vacations don't have to be
expensive or exotic. Consider staying at a state
park or camping. Explore off-season rates and
advertised motel specials. Put on your creative
thinking cap and see what's possible.
5. Remember to hug your mate each day. Doctors at
the University of North Carolina have found that
hugging boosts blood levels of oxytocin, a
relaxing hormone that is linked to trust.
According to Kathleen Light, Ph.D., professor of
psychiatry at UNC and one of the study's authors,
"It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to
emotional as well as physical closeness in
partners..."
Make it a point to initiate more hugging, and
don't be bashful about asking for what you need
and want. Ask your mate to join you in some bear
hugs each day or a session of snuggling on the
sofa as you talk. You'll both feel better
afterwards!
Note: If "hugs = sex" in your marriage, it's time
to make a change. Many wives complain their
husbands only touch them-hold hands, hug, kiss,
snuggle-when the husbands want sex.
These wives often try to avoid physical contact
with their husband because they don't want to get
him aroused. This leads to a pulling away and a
lack of on-going closeness and connection. Thus,
it's important that hugging not be just a prelude
to sex.
6. Celebrate days that are special to the two of
you. Take the time to record the special days on
your personal calendar so you won't forget.
What days should you celebrate? For starters,
include the day you met your spouse, your wedding
day, your partner's birthday, your birthday, New
Year's, Valentine's Day, and any other dates that
have significant meaning or cause for
celebration.
Through the years, I've heard many spouses
express hurt that their mate never buys them a
gift, even for their birthday. There's no special
dinner or birthday cake-nothing.
They might not receive a Valentine's Day card or
a Christmas present, either. I'm always sad to
hear this, because it seems like such a loss of
an opportunity to celebrate. And the message
delivered to the mate is she (or he) isn't valued
and treasured Life is short, and you can't take
your beloved partner for granted. Look for every
opportunity to celebrate your love, your
marriage, and the fact that you're alive!
7. Smile More Often. A genuine smile can warm the
heart and make you more attractive to your
spouse.
That's because smiles are sexy as well as
contagious, and the energy they produce can give
you and your spouse a needed boost just when you
need it the most.
Smiling connects you to others so you aren't
aloof and separate. A warm smile invites your
spouse to come closer, to connect with you, and
to linger in your presence. You'll feel better
and so will your spouse.
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